BEFORE YOU READ: This is NOT a dig at my own church. This is about the universal church, all Christians in general and the stigma that follows. Additionally, I am speaking about my former public school in terms of how I was treated following my cousin's death. I am not being overdramatic about how I was treated. I will not edit or delete anything regarding this, as it is a huge part of my story.
It was February of 2015. I had experienced two deaths in three months, the death of my great-aunt and the death of my 26-year-old cousin. I needed time to be broken and to experience the grief, while I did not have the support from my peers and teachers when it came to coping. They didn’t want me to be broken, or rather, they didn’t want to deal with my brokenness. Most of my trauma comes from not being able to authentically express my brokenness as well as people who I shared my brokenness with breaking my trust and not wanting to rebuild it.
I am beyond sick and tired of the bubble-wrapped, superficial costumed members of the church. They are depicting an unrealistic expectation that in order to enter God’s house, you must have your you-know-what together. Author, Theologian, and YouTuber Jefferson Bethke says, “The church isn’t a museum for the good people, it’s a hospital for the broken.” I couldn’t agree with this statement more. I hate going to church and having to pretend everything’s okay, when it is clearly not. I feel that so many people have left the church or turned to things such as sex, drugs, alcohol, eating disorders, sleeping too much or too little, gambling, pornography, self-harm, even suicide because of the church’s superficiality. If being fake was an Olympic sport, many Christians (not all, there are some truly authentic and amazing Christ followers out there) would take home the gold every time.
The death of my cousin forced me to evaluate everything that I value in life and if I am truly living authentically. It opened my heart to a type of grief that I could have never imagined experiencing. This grief was something that I could not cover up. Yet, I still managed to make myself seem happy at church the following Sunday after his funeral was on Friday. Why was I so happy? Was I truly happy? Why was I pretending? Why do I feel like I have to pretend?
What does it really mean to be truly broken?
If you remember correctly, Jesus invited people to follow him that were incredibly broken. Many religious officials questioned Jesus as to why he chose to “dine with sinners”. Keep in mind, had we been around during Jesus’s time on earth, we would have been the sinners He chose to spend time with. Jesus chose to spend time with those who were broken because they needed more care and spiritual feeding then the self-righteous and religious officials.
News flash: humans aren’t perfect. We weren’t programmed to be that way. Everyone has problems they deal with. I find it sickening when I try to reach out for help to people who claim to be there for me that they truly don’t care. They say things like “let it go” or “don’t take it personally”, when those two phrases are much easier said than done. How does one let go of something so traumatizing the first time someone tells them to let it go?
If you are one of those people, truly think about what you are saying. You are telling them that you do not care and that their emotions/feelings are not valid.
Like I said, let it go is the absolute worst thing you can say to someone. If you want to help people or help your church, start by trying to be there for people. I constantly feel the need to be perfect before seeking God. Because of this insane pressure I place on myself, I have been unable to do so. I try seeking restoration and hope from other people, but that always ends badly. I either get poor or zero advice. The more I try to rely on people for my happiness, the lonelier I become.
Author and Speaker Lisa Harper writes in her book A Perfect Mess: “The depressing reality of Christians’ working so hard to pretend that we have our lives totally together--- and therefore should be in charge of everybody else’s--- makes me want to say bad words and gobble chocolate.” (Pg. 28)
This speaks directly to how I feel about other people judging someone else’s messes. Just because they spilled the coffee doesn’t give you the right to judge when you spilled the peanuts. What I’m saying is, don’t judge someone who sins differently than you do. Love the sinner, hate the sin, remember? Pray for these people, pray for yourself to not have a plank in your own eye that prevents you from loving others. It isn’t our job to judge someone’s life because we are not that person. We may relate to what they are going through or have even dealt with what they are going through, but that gives you no right to tell them how they should be healing “correctly”. You can be there for them and offer support, but do not make them think that the only way to get better is by doing what you say. Give them advice from Scripture to offer the person the opportunity to discover what would best work for them and their healing process.
What’s so wrong with being broken? Why is there a great fear that comes with telling people that you aren’t having a good day? Why do our lives seem superficial and never seem to go past small talk?
My pastor and I have had several conversations on how we envision the church as it should truly be, a place for hope and restoration. A place for people to come of all walks of life, no matter the sin, no matter how great the pain, that can come in and feel welcomed by God’s people and His Presence. However, there is plenty of work that still needs to be done in encouraging people to be raw with others. There are still people who need to learn how to be honest with themselves. If we as a people don’t know how to recognize our own sin and brokenness, then how can we help others and The Church?
I know that the issue of playing pretend won’t go away overnight. We need to start small by simply sitting and asking God to come and play a part of our lives without worrying about the baggage we carry. God loves you at your highest and weakest points just the same. His love for us expands across oceans. He has numbered the hairs on our heads and collects every tear that we cry. I feel that it is also important to be mindful of the relationships that we have with other people. Are they relationships that stretch beyond the surface? Don’t judge people who haven’t learned to love themselves yet. Pray for them, encourage them, give them hope. It is a constant struggle to watch people in the church try to serve when they clearly have more pressing issues going on. You aren’t failing God or The Church by taking care of yourself first. You are enabling yourself for more serving in the future if you are able to take time and rest.
Galatians 6:2 says to “carry each other’s burdens and this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ”. I feel that The Church is discouraging this very important piece of Scripture. We are supposed to HELP one another by listening, praying, and encouraging them during the good times and bad. This is biblical evidence stating that we are to help others and others are to help us during our trials.
When my cousin died in 2015, I was a sophomore in high school. People were afraid to talk to me because not only was I dealing with grief, but my anxiety and depression had become elevated due to that grief. I wasn’t allowed to be broken. I had to still work hard and focus on my notes despite the fact I was riding on empty. I was told to go to class.
I want to be broken. I want people to see that it is okay, it is allowed, to be broken. Being broken is the only way that one can heal. I compare it to a hole in jeans. It doesn’t do any good to cover up the hole with duck-tape, safety pins, or patches of cloth or fabric, they won’t do any good. If you want to fix the hole, you have to go in deep and re stitch the hole with a needle and thread. But people are too lazy to spend that kind of time fixing a pair of jeans, so they always look awful. The same goes for hiding one’s emotions. The longer you hold in your own emotions, the worse it is going to get for you.
It was February of 2015. I had experienced two deaths in three months, the death of my great-aunt and the death of my 26-year-old cousin. I needed time to be broken and to experience the grief, while I did not have the support from my peers and teachers when it came to coping. They didn’t want me to be broken, or rather, they didn’t want to deal with my brokenness. Most of my trauma comes from not being able to authentically express my brokenness as well as people who I shared my brokenness with breaking my trust and not wanting to rebuild it.
I am beyond sick and tired of the bubble-wrapped, superficial costumed members of the church. They are depicting an unrealistic expectation that in order to enter God’s house, you must have your you-know-what together. Author, Theologian, and YouTuber Jefferson Bethke says, “The church isn’t a museum for the good people, it’s a hospital for the broken.” I couldn’t agree with this statement more. I hate going to church and having to pretend everything’s okay, when it is clearly not. I feel that so many people have left the church or turned to things such as sex, drugs, alcohol, eating disorders, sleeping too much or too little, gambling, pornography, self-harm, even suicide because of the church’s superficiality. If being fake was an Olympic sport, many Christians (not all, there are some truly authentic and amazing Christ followers out there) would take home the gold every time.
The death of my cousin forced me to evaluate everything that I value in life and if I am truly living authentically. It opened my heart to a type of grief that I could have never imagined experiencing. This grief was something that I could not cover up. Yet, I still managed to make myself seem happy at church the following Sunday after his funeral was on Friday. Why was I so happy? Was I truly happy? Why was I pretending? Why do I feel like I have to pretend?
What does it really mean to be truly broken?
If you remember correctly, Jesus invited people to follow him that were incredibly broken. Many religious officials questioned Jesus as to why he chose to “dine with sinners”. Keep in mind, had we been around during Jesus’s time on earth, we would have been the sinners He chose to spend time with. Jesus chose to spend time with those who were broken because they needed more care and spiritual feeding then the self-righteous and religious officials.
News flash: humans aren’t perfect. We weren’t programmed to be that way. Everyone has problems they deal with. I find it sickening when I try to reach out for help to people who claim to be there for me that they truly don’t care. They say things like “let it go” or “don’t take it personally”, when those two phrases are much easier said than done. How does one let go of something so traumatizing the first time someone tells them to let it go?
If you are one of those people, truly think about what you are saying. You are telling them that you do not care and that their emotions/feelings are not valid.
Like I said, let it go is the absolute worst thing you can say to someone. If you want to help people or help your church, start by trying to be there for people. I constantly feel the need to be perfect before seeking God. Because of this insane pressure I place on myself, I have been unable to do so. I try seeking restoration and hope from other people, but that always ends badly. I either get poor or zero advice. The more I try to rely on people for my happiness, the lonelier I become.
Author and Speaker Lisa Harper writes in her book A Perfect Mess: “The depressing reality of Christians’ working so hard to pretend that we have our lives totally together--- and therefore should be in charge of everybody else’s--- makes me want to say bad words and gobble chocolate.” (Pg. 28)
This speaks directly to how I feel about other people judging someone else’s messes. Just because they spilled the coffee doesn’t give you the right to judge when you spilled the peanuts. What I’m saying is, don’t judge someone who sins differently than you do. Love the sinner, hate the sin, remember? Pray for these people, pray for yourself to not have a plank in your own eye that prevents you from loving others. It isn’t our job to judge someone’s life because we are not that person. We may relate to what they are going through or have even dealt with what they are going through, but that gives you no right to tell them how they should be healing “correctly”. You can be there for them and offer support, but do not make them think that the only way to get better is by doing what you say. Give them advice from Scripture to offer the person the opportunity to discover what would best work for them and their healing process.
What’s so wrong with being broken? Why is there a great fear that comes with telling people that you aren’t having a good day? Why do our lives seem superficial and never seem to go past small talk?
My pastor and I have had several conversations on how we envision the church as it should truly be, a place for hope and restoration. A place for people to come of all walks of life, no matter the sin, no matter how great the pain, that can come in and feel welcomed by God’s people and His Presence. However, there is plenty of work that still needs to be done in encouraging people to be raw with others. There are still people who need to learn how to be honest with themselves. If we as a people don’t know how to recognize our own sin and brokenness, then how can we help others and The Church?
I know that the issue of playing pretend won’t go away overnight. We need to start small by simply sitting and asking God to come and play a part of our lives without worrying about the baggage we carry. God loves you at your highest and weakest points just the same. His love for us expands across oceans. He has numbered the hairs on our heads and collects every tear that we cry. I feel that it is also important to be mindful of the relationships that we have with other people. Are they relationships that stretch beyond the surface? Don’t judge people who haven’t learned to love themselves yet. Pray for them, encourage them, give them hope. It is a constant struggle to watch people in the church try to serve when they clearly have more pressing issues going on. You aren’t failing God or The Church by taking care of yourself first. You are enabling yourself for more serving in the future if you are able to take time and rest.
Galatians 6:2 says to “carry each other’s burdens and this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ”. I feel that The Church is discouraging this very important piece of Scripture. We are supposed to HELP one another by listening, praying, and encouraging them during the good times and bad. This is biblical evidence stating that we are to help others and others are to help us during our trials.
When my cousin died in 2015, I was a sophomore in high school. People were afraid to talk to me because not only was I dealing with grief, but my anxiety and depression had become elevated due to that grief. I wasn’t allowed to be broken. I had to still work hard and focus on my notes despite the fact I was riding on empty. I was told to go to class.
I want to be broken. I want people to see that it is okay, it is allowed, to be broken. Being broken is the only way that one can heal. I compare it to a hole in jeans. It doesn’t do any good to cover up the hole with duck-tape, safety pins, or patches of cloth or fabric, they won’t do any good. If you want to fix the hole, you have to go in deep and re stitch the hole with a needle and thread. But people are too lazy to spend that kind of time fixing a pair of jeans, so they always look awful. The same goes for hiding one’s emotions. The longer you hold in your own emotions, the worse it is going to get for you.