If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
(Psalm 139: 11-12 NIV)
People with depression like to isolate themselves. They feel like they are incapable of doing anything pertaining to living, so they seclude themselves on their own little island and pretend like everything is okay.
If you have to do everything it takes to avoid contact with people at all costs, then something is not okay.
I became obsessed with isolating myself from people. If something wasn't right or if I wasn't feeling well, I would automatically use that as my excuse from leaving the house that day after my schoolwork was finished. Yet I wasn't happy. I was trying to be happy, so why wasn't I happy?
For what feels like a very long time, I have been living in this deep, dark black hole. Like I mentioned in my previous post, it felt as if a black tar had inhabited my soul and I could not, with all of my strength and might, feel God. That was because I was letting my misery make resident in my heart and there wasn't room for God.
Well misery, depression, emptiness and darkness---- GET OUT!!!! YOU NO LONGER LIVE IN MY HEART.
Jesus does. He is my only hope. If I want to live a life that doesn't make me want to go insane every second of everyday, the only way that I will be able to overcome each day is through Jesus. His Grace. His Forgiveness.
Yet through my darkest days, the moments where I was the most unlovable, unworthy and sinful, God still pursued me and saw me as good. To Him, He saw beauty within my struggles and turned my tears into joy.
He turned me towards the light, towards Him. Referring back to the verses above "the night will shine like day", that is forgiveness! That is grace! That is Him removing my hurt, misery, isolation, fear, darkness and sin within me and making me as white as snow!
This reminds me of the song entitled "Nothing but the Blood" by Robert Lowry with the refrain going like this:
"Oh! precious is the flow that makes me white as snow; No other fount I know, Nothing but the blood of Jesus."
Let me be perfectly clear: depression is a mental illness, not a sin. It is a sin, however, not allowing God to fight the battle. It's a sin when you decide to start making excuses for living your life and dwelling in misery. It's hard for someone with depression to make that assessment for themselves, but you will know when you are sinning. You can't do anything to prevent yourself from becoming miserable because it is simply a lack of a certain chemicals in the brain that cause you to be even more miserable. You can diet, exercise, be outside, be social, do social media cleanses, pray, go to church, read your Bible, journal, etc. and still be the most miserable person on the planet. That's why having depression is hard. Finding the balance between intentional misery (not fighting or giving up the battle) and unintentional misery (by-product of having depression) is a difficult thing, and it's something God and I are doing together, working through.
You are trying when you get out of bed, when you decide to live your day to the best of your ability, when you fail and wind up on the bathroom floor crying out to God for help, when you pick yourself back up and call your best friend to talk you through it, when you eat, when you read, when you watch Netflix, etc. You are trying when you are making at least an attempt to live your life. It might not seem like much, but it brings much happiness to God.
God is proud of the effort I am making. He is proud of the effort that YOU are making. We are merely human beings. We are complex, beautiful, destructive, capable, loving, ignorant, angry, happy, joyful, selfish and humble creatures of habit. God is proud when we at least say, "Hey God, I'm trying." You don't even have to say it. He KNOWS in your heart of hearts what your intentions are.
No matter how dark of a pit or fix you are in, God will see you. He will find you. And He will always be there for you.
and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
(Psalm 139: 11-12 NIV)
People with depression like to isolate themselves. They feel like they are incapable of doing anything pertaining to living, so they seclude themselves on their own little island and pretend like everything is okay.
If you have to do everything it takes to avoid contact with people at all costs, then something is not okay.
I became obsessed with isolating myself from people. If something wasn't right or if I wasn't feeling well, I would automatically use that as my excuse from leaving the house that day after my schoolwork was finished. Yet I wasn't happy. I was trying to be happy, so why wasn't I happy?
For what feels like a very long time, I have been living in this deep, dark black hole. Like I mentioned in my previous post, it felt as if a black tar had inhabited my soul and I could not, with all of my strength and might, feel God. That was because I was letting my misery make resident in my heart and there wasn't room for God.
Well misery, depression, emptiness and darkness---- GET OUT!!!! YOU NO LONGER LIVE IN MY HEART.
Jesus does. He is my only hope. If I want to live a life that doesn't make me want to go insane every second of everyday, the only way that I will be able to overcome each day is through Jesus. His Grace. His Forgiveness.
Yet through my darkest days, the moments where I was the most unlovable, unworthy and sinful, God still pursued me and saw me as good. To Him, He saw beauty within my struggles and turned my tears into joy.
He turned me towards the light, towards Him. Referring back to the verses above "the night will shine like day", that is forgiveness! That is grace! That is Him removing my hurt, misery, isolation, fear, darkness and sin within me and making me as white as snow!
This reminds me of the song entitled "Nothing but the Blood" by Robert Lowry with the refrain going like this:
"Oh! precious is the flow that makes me white as snow; No other fount I know, Nothing but the blood of Jesus."
Let me be perfectly clear: depression is a mental illness, not a sin. It is a sin, however, not allowing God to fight the battle. It's a sin when you decide to start making excuses for living your life and dwelling in misery. It's hard for someone with depression to make that assessment for themselves, but you will know when you are sinning. You can't do anything to prevent yourself from becoming miserable because it is simply a lack of a certain chemicals in the brain that cause you to be even more miserable. You can diet, exercise, be outside, be social, do social media cleanses, pray, go to church, read your Bible, journal, etc. and still be the most miserable person on the planet. That's why having depression is hard. Finding the balance between intentional misery (not fighting or giving up the battle) and unintentional misery (by-product of having depression) is a difficult thing, and it's something God and I are doing together, working through.
You are trying when you get out of bed, when you decide to live your day to the best of your ability, when you fail and wind up on the bathroom floor crying out to God for help, when you pick yourself back up and call your best friend to talk you through it, when you eat, when you read, when you watch Netflix, etc. You are trying when you are making at least an attempt to live your life. It might not seem like much, but it brings much happiness to God.
God is proud of the effort I am making. He is proud of the effort that YOU are making. We are merely human beings. We are complex, beautiful, destructive, capable, loving, ignorant, angry, happy, joyful, selfish and humble creatures of habit. God is proud when we at least say, "Hey God, I'm trying." You don't even have to say it. He KNOWS in your heart of hearts what your intentions are.
No matter how dark of a pit or fix you are in, God will see you. He will find you. And He will always be there for you.