“Our firm decision is to work from this focused center: One man died for everyone. That puts everyone in the same boat. He included everyone in his death so that everyone could also be included in his life, a resurrection life, a far better life than people ever lived on their own.”- 2 Corinthians 5:14-15 (MSG)
If you had asked me four years ago who I was or who I wanted to be, my answer would have been unclear. I wanted to know who I was but I found my value in things that were temporary and didn’t fulfill me.
I had no idea who I was. I became obsessed with the idea of being somebody that I forgot who I actually was. I had these fake images and idols that I worshipped but I constantly was longing for something or some One to save me...
I was broken beyond repair. My heart was shattered apart. I looked normal on the outside but on the inside I was damaged.
I tried everything. Psychologists who didn’t seem to make the issues any better, journaling my thoughts to the point of insanity, spending hours away on the internet pretending as if my issues didn’t exist, nonstop reading, etc. My anxiety which developed into depression was evident. I could not avoid it. I could not run from it.
Sixth grade is when it seemed to be the worst.
Middle school is a time for growing up and out of the childhood phase but not quite yet an adult. The transition was extremely hard for me. I thought I had to do what everyone else was doing in order to fit in but that wasn’t the case. Slowly, I was losing sight of who I was. My morals were loosely based on what my friends thought was and wasn’t cool. I was afraid of sharing my actual self with people because, God forbid, they wouldn’t like me for who I was.
The end of sixth grade was when I knew something was wrong. I didn’t feel satisfied. I wanted to be myself. I had a better vision of who that person was after I joined a club called Rachel’s Challenge. Rachel’s Challenge was started in memory of a girl named Rachel Joy Scott who was unlike any high school sophomore. Rachel kept a journal of her dreams, of how to live and quotes that inspired her. She was, and still is, my hero. I wanted to live a life that reflected that I had been changed. I didn’t want my fears and my issues to have the main stage in my life. I wanted kindness, humility, compassion, bravery, selflessness and love to have that stage. We communicate in over six hundred ways, only one is verbal. I wanted my life to point to something bigger than myself, in every way I carried out my life.
The summer before seventh grade, I made a promise to myself. I promised that I would not let anxiety or depression rule me. I learned then that there is so much more to life than just yourself. I wanted to be around long enough to witness that. If I ended it, if I let my dark thoughts take control or my panic attacks to the point of insanity, then I wouldn’t get to experience life to its full and most beautiful form.
October 27, 2011 was a defining moment for me. Our church’s youth group went to an event called Acquire the Fire and there I was, for the first time, singing for my God, unashamed of who I was because God made me. For the first time in my life, I actually felt proud of who I was. I cried a lot that night. I cried because it took so long for me to realize how loved I was and how loved I am, but I also cried in relief. I didn’t have to live in bondage anymore. I was free. I surrendered my life to God that night. I decided to become a follower of Jesus Christ. Not a Christian, but a Christ follower. I wanted to take up the task of following Jesus daily, no matter what that meant. I would be willing to take up my own sins, my cross, as Jesus did for me, in order to live a free life.
So there I was, a happy little thirteen year old girl without a care in the world who wanted to follow Jesus. I had no idea what would be in store for me. When I said I’d be willing to lose everything, I never thought it would happen like this.
I didn’t lose everything. I have a wonderful home, family and school that have taught me so much. I lost, however, friends who, seemingly overtime, lost themselves. I knew who I was, but they didn’t know who they were. It hurt, losing those friends, as they were what defined my value for a long time, however, it’s better to be loved deeply by One than widely by many.
I can’t say that I know who I am now. I am still trying to figure that out. But I do know this: I am loved, wanted, pursued, and desired by God. He loves us all so much. He sent His son Jesus to die for all of our sins. That is why I choose to live in each moment, because you never know what could happen. There are infinite possibilities and I want to make the best of them.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten wiser. I’d never imagine I’d love God this much, as He’s done so much for me. I never imagined I’d be at a really good place, not depressed but filled with joy; not anxious but filled with peace. It doesn’t happen overnight and you can’t force change to happen. You have to want it with all of your heart. You have to want it so much that you know that you will not be able to live another day healthily that you would be willing to take one step in the right direction to get closer to that goal right then and now.
So here I am, almost three years later, sitting in my bedroom and typing this testimony up. I am still the same broken, messed up little twelve year old girl who longed for someone to save her. The difference is now that I’ve been saved. Everyday is a choice to accept God’s grace or to deny it. I choose to accept God’s grace. I know that I am and always will be far from perfect. I refuse to let perfection stand in the way of being my imperfect self. I want to be crazy, foolish, dorky and wild. I also want to be fearless, loving, compassionate, forgiving and unashamed of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
If you had asked me four years ago who I was or who I wanted to be, my answer would have been unclear. I wanted to know who I was but I found my value in things that were temporary and didn’t fulfill me.
I had no idea who I was. I became obsessed with the idea of being somebody that I forgot who I actually was. I had these fake images and idols that I worshipped but I constantly was longing for something or some One to save me...
I was broken beyond repair. My heart was shattered apart. I looked normal on the outside but on the inside I was damaged.
I tried everything. Psychologists who didn’t seem to make the issues any better, journaling my thoughts to the point of insanity, spending hours away on the internet pretending as if my issues didn’t exist, nonstop reading, etc. My anxiety which developed into depression was evident. I could not avoid it. I could not run from it.
Sixth grade is when it seemed to be the worst.
Middle school is a time for growing up and out of the childhood phase but not quite yet an adult. The transition was extremely hard for me. I thought I had to do what everyone else was doing in order to fit in but that wasn’t the case. Slowly, I was losing sight of who I was. My morals were loosely based on what my friends thought was and wasn’t cool. I was afraid of sharing my actual self with people because, God forbid, they wouldn’t like me for who I was.
The end of sixth grade was when I knew something was wrong. I didn’t feel satisfied. I wanted to be myself. I had a better vision of who that person was after I joined a club called Rachel’s Challenge. Rachel’s Challenge was started in memory of a girl named Rachel Joy Scott who was unlike any high school sophomore. Rachel kept a journal of her dreams, of how to live and quotes that inspired her. She was, and still is, my hero. I wanted to live a life that reflected that I had been changed. I didn’t want my fears and my issues to have the main stage in my life. I wanted kindness, humility, compassion, bravery, selflessness and love to have that stage. We communicate in over six hundred ways, only one is verbal. I wanted my life to point to something bigger than myself, in every way I carried out my life.
The summer before seventh grade, I made a promise to myself. I promised that I would not let anxiety or depression rule me. I learned then that there is so much more to life than just yourself. I wanted to be around long enough to witness that. If I ended it, if I let my dark thoughts take control or my panic attacks to the point of insanity, then I wouldn’t get to experience life to its full and most beautiful form.
October 27, 2011 was a defining moment for me. Our church’s youth group went to an event called Acquire the Fire and there I was, for the first time, singing for my God, unashamed of who I was because God made me. For the first time in my life, I actually felt proud of who I was. I cried a lot that night. I cried because it took so long for me to realize how loved I was and how loved I am, but I also cried in relief. I didn’t have to live in bondage anymore. I was free. I surrendered my life to God that night. I decided to become a follower of Jesus Christ. Not a Christian, but a Christ follower. I wanted to take up the task of following Jesus daily, no matter what that meant. I would be willing to take up my own sins, my cross, as Jesus did for me, in order to live a free life.
So there I was, a happy little thirteen year old girl without a care in the world who wanted to follow Jesus. I had no idea what would be in store for me. When I said I’d be willing to lose everything, I never thought it would happen like this.
I didn’t lose everything. I have a wonderful home, family and school that have taught me so much. I lost, however, friends who, seemingly overtime, lost themselves. I knew who I was, but they didn’t know who they were. It hurt, losing those friends, as they were what defined my value for a long time, however, it’s better to be loved deeply by One than widely by many.
I can’t say that I know who I am now. I am still trying to figure that out. But I do know this: I am loved, wanted, pursued, and desired by God. He loves us all so much. He sent His son Jesus to die for all of our sins. That is why I choose to live in each moment, because you never know what could happen. There are infinite possibilities and I want to make the best of them.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten wiser. I’d never imagine I’d love God this much, as He’s done so much for me. I never imagined I’d be at a really good place, not depressed but filled with joy; not anxious but filled with peace. It doesn’t happen overnight and you can’t force change to happen. You have to want it with all of your heart. You have to want it so much that you know that you will not be able to live another day healthily that you would be willing to take one step in the right direction to get closer to that goal right then and now.
So here I am, almost three years later, sitting in my bedroom and typing this testimony up. I am still the same broken, messed up little twelve year old girl who longed for someone to save her. The difference is now that I’ve been saved. Everyday is a choice to accept God’s grace or to deny it. I choose to accept God’s grace. I know that I am and always will be far from perfect. I refuse to let perfection stand in the way of being my imperfect self. I want to be crazy, foolish, dorky and wild. I also want to be fearless, loving, compassionate, forgiving and unashamed of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.